I’m unable to keep them from dispersing in all directions, rolling around everywhere, and causing a hazardous mess.
I can’t keep a thought long enough to feel.
Thought, thought, thought, they just keep coming.
Pleasant, unpleasant, pleasant, and neutral.
There’s a hamster wheel nestled at the center of my skull.
It doesn’t stop spinning.
I’m afraid that if I stop I’ll be left to nothing.
I make my way down the steep ravine in the gulch.
This is the place where shadows linger the longest even after the sunrise.
Where my once whispered prayers hold onto the ledge of sharp rocks and crashing white water.
I’m having a hard time holding on.
I’m hanging by a thread.
The deepest part of me has been rendered helpless.
I get off on guilt and on shame.
Might as well throw in a sprinkle of fear too.
It never leaves me.
Always there to remind me of the shitty human I’ve become.
I bail on them.
I leave too early.
I never follow through.
I make up white lies.
I don’t go the extra mile.
I manipulate them into thinking I am someone other than who I appear to be.
I am rot.
My attention draws back to the rage.
I’m now breathing fire.
Raging raging raging on.
It’s hot to the touch.
Blinding to look at.
My caramel brown skin is a thin net for the avalanche within.
A heart torn to shreds.
The door left open to an empty home.
A chihuahua barking in the distance.
Beads of sweat trickling down the sides of my temples.
Windswept trees on a dramatic coastline.
The shortness of breath.
Eyes that can no longer cry.
The tops of baby toes scraped red.
The threads on the edges of her blanket coming undone.
Silence consumes the racket.
And finally, the last exhale.